Hi everyone, my name is Cory, and this is my first time in this support group.
Hi Cory. What brings you here?
Well, I had a really bad day today.
Tell us about it. We’re here to help you.
First, let me preface this by saying I was wearing boat shoes.
Oof. Well, we all wear boat shoes…straight men can’t wear sandals at work because decades of men were too proud to have comfortable footwear.
Right. Well, I left work for my lunch walk in boat shoes. And it’s about 114 degrees out. ..shit, hold on, I have another preface: I was listening to Sufjan Stevens.
Not everyone can play banjo with their toes and wear angel wings…plus, he’s pretty catchy .
Yeah, that’s true. So, anyway, I am walking around and I see a homeless person’s bed set up. Blankets, some bags, even decorations right in the middle of the city.
And it made me feel really shitty, because a human being is sleeping on the street in 2012. In the United States. 2 blocks away from a restaurant where fried squid rings cost 17 dollars.
Being concerned about the homeless is noble, Cory.
Yes. And I had this swelling in my heart; I really wanted to do something for this homeless person….SO I TOOK A PICTURE OF HIS BED AND PUT IT ON INSTAGRAM.
Spare me, it’s spineless slacktivism…all of us who do fake good are worse than people who don’t give a shit at all.
Anyway, so that happens. And then I turn around and I see a grown man in a YOLO shirt.
Well, we do only live once, Cory.
Jesus. I’m beginning to regret coming here.
It’s true. Haven’t you ever seen “Dead Poets Society?”
Shut up! So then, I keep walking, turn the other corner, and I’m passing the immigration office…and people are actually excited to have become citizens here. It’s not 1909!…you’re taking a picture 1 block away from a guy who sleeps under the awning of a dry cleaners! You’re a foot away from a guy who writes a terrible blog post once every two weeks with the same exact jokes in it!
Cory, calm down. Look at this…
What?!…holy shit, my new golf clubs that I bought on a credit card with 24% interest have been picked up in Rockford, Illinois and are in transit?! See you later, suckers…and fuck the homeless…I’m paying $55 to play golf!