Happy Father’s Day, Harry Kalas! I really can’t put into words how much you meant to me, HK. Your warm voice and wise perspective made me realize that mediocrity and losing was the norm for the better part of my youth. You taught me that as long as I sing “High Hopes” at parties, it’s ok to be an alcoholic womanizer who turns his back on his family!
Happy Father’s Day, Elmo, the weird guy who lived by the sledding hill! When I fractured my ankle trying to slide down the hill on my knees, you rescued me, putting me on my bike and telling me to pedal home despite insane swelling. That was some very courageous surrogate fathering! Even nicer, you did not force me to participate in the child pornography ring that you were later arrested and convicted for organizing!
Happy Father’s Day, Atticus Finch! You taught me it was good and righteous to stand up for the rights of all people, regardless of race. Unfortunately, because your movie wasn’t in color, it took me a few more years to realize that black people were actually black…that certainly wasn’t your fault though!
Happy Father’s Day, “Basketball Bill!” You’re a childless undercover policeman who spent his days playing basketball at the playground with the local children, providing candy, snacks, hydration, and rides home. You stood in defiance of Elmo, proving that not all generous and kind-hearted souls have evil intentions. You are a relic, a true inspiration to dozens, and the last vestige of a different time. Good for you, you creepy fuck!
Happy Father’s Day, All my friends’ dads! You always took me under your wing with sagely advice on throwing baseballs and discreetly smoking. You brought me into your homes, provided meals and Ataris. You enabled friendships with your sons and daughters, who can all go fuck themselves for having a dad.