Notes on Europe
Over the holidays, I found the strength to climb to the upper levels of my credit card limit and finally head to Europe, namely, Barcelona and Paris. These are some assorted thoughts. Previous Attempts to go to Europe · Fall 2005 Study Abroad Info Session: o You’re too young to study abroad, you have like 5 more semesters to give it a go! · Fall 2006 Study Abroad Info...
That's a Dick Move (Internet Monster 12/3)
Hey man, you’re kind of being a dick. I realize you’re laying on that part of the sidewalk because the grates give off steam and it’s the only heat you’ll feel for at least 100 days. But, dude, it’s fucking 60 degrees out! You really need to be reclined as if 16th street is your own personal chaise? I’m on my way to the bank and you have the nerve to ask me for a dollar as if you were...
Internet Monster - 11/29
One time I was in Times Square to go to the M&M store, and there were a bunch of people swooning because Hugh Jackman was getting into a car. Obviously, I wanted all of these people to die for thinking that getting a wave from HuJa was some sort of validation or noteworth event. And then, a semi-popular comedian favorited one of my tweets to him and I IMMEDIATELY TOLD LIKE 40 PEOPLE! Can...
"Saturday," a One Act Play
Int. Apartment Present, 11 pm Brain: Don’t do it, Cory. Seriously. Don’t do it. Ext. the Shadow of the Walt Whitman Bridge Flashback, 2 pm Friendly Motorist:You need some help? Brain: Really subtle, Cory. A white guy wearing powder blue pants looking at an iPhone in a Volkswagen next to an abandoned warehouse in Camden. That’s your move? Cory:Uhmmmm… FM:You tryin’ to get back on the...
Found in my Closet (Plus a contest!)
Remember the Fukushima Nuclear Reactor situation – when the Japanese totally fucked up their nuclear business and coal barons everywhere smiled in their top-hats? Well, all that radioactive air and water didn’t just circle around Japan like a buzzard over that person you killed with your car, it traversed the Pacific! And what’s across the Pacific? America! Thankfully, I learned that seaweed...
Office Olympiad Report #1: Yelling at your...
The Women’s Yelling at your Children on the Phone competition is one of the highlights of these games. Mothers from all over the 3rd floor lay it all on the line as they scold and ream out their children for a variety of deficiencies. This event is so compelling, so riveting, that even the childless can’t hold back amazement as a Mother rips into her son...
Alfred is Bane You don’t go skiing in Winter 2012-2013 despite that real good deal you got on skis in May Germany has been playing opossum this whole time - they will turn heel again You will be denied consolidation on your student loans, continue to pay $1400 per month, and will never own a home The Olympics will be tremendously masturbatory Your kid will think you look as absurd with that...
Fake Support Group
Hi everyone, my name is Cory, and this is my first time in this support group. Hi Cory. What brings you here? Well, I had a really bad day today. Tell us about it. We’re here to help you. First, let me preface this by saying I was wearing boat shoes. Oof. Well, we all wear boat shoes…straight men can’t wear sandals at work because decades of men were too proud to have comfortable...
Father's Day Wishes for all my Surrogate Fathers
Happy Father’s Day, Harry Kalas! I really can’t put into words how much you meant to me, HK. Your warm voice and wise perspective made me realize that mediocrity and losing was the norm for the better part of my youth. You taught me that as long as I sing “High Hopes” at parties, it’s ok to be an alcoholic womanizer who turns his back on his family! Happy Father’s Day, Elmo, the weird guy who...
Questions I Regret Asking
How do you get to Pittsburgh? I’ve never actually been to Pittsburgh, but even the mere thought of being directed there is irksome. 5% cash back…on everything!? Woohoo! 5% cash back on all purchases in your first 6 months – with a 20% interest rate on a balance you will not be paying back anytime soon, you fucking mathless moron! Can there be two “R’s” on a single line of a RACI...
Where have you been?
- Oh, Blog…I uhh…I didn’t realize you would still be awake. - Awake? I’ve been worried sick! I’ve been sitting here since March 29th! You didn’t call, you didn’t email…you certainly didn’t write! - I did write… I was… I was working on a novel! - A novel? - More like a novella. incredulous look - Ok, it was the first short story in a collection of short stories… - Let me smell your hands! - No...
Cease and Desist
Mr. Potomis: You are receiving this message on behalf of my client, A Lazy Idiot. Over the past quarter century, you have been observed performing numerous activities that violate my client’s intellectual property rights. Although my client, the Federal Government, and major businesses throughout the world appreciate you behaving like a lazy idiot, as it keeps you distracted, indebted, and...
Bring Your Child to Work Day 2012: Parent's Guide
Hurry Up! 9:07, Driveway Leave house – you know you’re going to be later than normal. Welcome to a World of EXCITEMENT! 9:16 – 09:30, Conference Room 3-A Catch the last 14 minutes of the introductory presentation. Die a little inside as you watch your child awkwardly stare at the projector, video screen, and large pleather chairs in wonderment. Scout single moms (just in case). Move a...
Lies told to us in childrens' songs
Number one, number one, number one is lots of fun Number one stops being fun when you take your 6th piss of the morning because you’ve drank 40 ounces of water and 20 ounces of coffee and everyone at work thinks you’re snorting or just a general weirdo. All I really need is a song in my heart, food in my belly, and love in my family This guy clearly does not know the wonders of...
I’m Billy Bush, and welcome to a special edition of Access Hollywood. Tonight, AH takes a special look inside the fabric walls of the cubicles of the converted warehouse that is your office! Janine was spotted cleaning up tomato sauce from the community microwave in the breakroom, but not doing a very good job of it – we’ll take you there live! After that, we’ll take a long and hard look at one...
Healthy Eating at the Office (Read in Clint...
So, you think you can eat healthy at work, do ya hot shot? Look at you, coming in here with a packed lunch – some carrots, an apple, a sandwich…whatever the fuck Chobani is. You think you’re tough shit - fresh out of university, aware of caloric content, interested in having balanced meals. What do you think you’ll do when it’s 345 pm on a Tuesday and you’re all out of pretzels? What will...
Track Listing for Sufjan Stevens' New...
Hooray! Hooray! School is Closed on the First Day of Deer Season! Hooray! The Price of Gin Skyrocketed During Hurricane Irene To the Widows of the Knox Mine Disaster, or, the Tragedy of Faulty Logic Don’t You Realize that Rocky is a Fictional Character? (I Found True Love) Up the Line Food Tickets, or, The Potato Pancake Line Extends as Far as the Eye Can See at the St. Ignatius Bazaar ...
The Tangential: Schedule for a Leadership... →
thetangential: Agenda – February 1, 2012 Welcome and Icebreaker: Experience Balloons 09:00 am – 09:30 am If you catch the balloon, share with the group a childhood memory which painfully foreshadows your life’s path of missing expectations, abusing drugs and/or alcohol, and then making it up to your mom…
1 Bed/1 Bath in a (relatively) safe neighborhood available now! Mail delivered regularly, handyman not on premises, absentee landlord — overpriced rates! H-U-G-E one bedroom. Five hundred twenty-fI’ve never actually been that good at spatial relations sq ft. This average, stuffy apartment feature 5 windows, only two of which are occupied by irremovable air conditioners from the 1970s! One...
Questions overheard at the Heart Health Awareness...
Can I get one of those ribbon stickers jobs that make me seem socially concerned despite my complete lack of time or financial investment? You know what helps my heart health? Listening to that Adele song. Am I right? Hey baby, wanna see my pig’s valve? Do you agree with Dr. Fronk’s research that routine anaerobic exercise in a controlled environment decreases the likelihood that...
Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been 4 days since my last blog post, and I figured this structure would be good to make some jokes. God’s house has provided structure for joke making for centuries, my son. Go on; cleanse your soul through satire and “cutting through the bullshit.” Tell me of your sins. Well, Father, I have sinned in the common ways, the unavoidable ways. I was late...
Syllabus (Reprinted Without Edits)
Leadership in Communication Management Wednesday 5:30 - 8:00 PM Spring Semester - 2012 COURSE SYLLABUS COURSE DESCRIPTION This course examines the communication dimension of leadership, reviewing theories of leadership and identifying communication-related theories and principles central to the leadership function. Students will be encouraged to examine their own styles of leadership, with an...
'12 New Year's Resolutions
Publish a cluster of blog posts, and then do not make a blog post for several weeks (accomplished) Focus on my life’s goals in-between meals Strengthen my aesthetic appreciation of commercials Add more masculine turns of phrase to my verbal pallete like “kicking the tires” and “faggot” Increase my renal tolerance of acetaminophen Take advantage of all that is offered by my wonderful city,...
A response to all the haters
Oh, I get it, now that I have a blog which had 12 unique page views in a single day, all of the haters are going to come out of the woodwork and start lobbing criticism at an easy working guy just praying that someone with leverage will be tremendously amused by a satirical statement of purpose and make me the next “Shit My Dad Says.” Listen, I know that you defined a set of goals...
Academic Resumé (with parenthetical responses to...
CP FAKE ADDRESS CAUSE THIS IS THE INTERNET Philadelphia, PA 19130 Education 1. Bachelor’s of Arts, English Marywood University (no it’s not an all-girls school anymore) Conferred August, 2008 (so I was 0.5 credits short after I walked the stage because I dropped my honor’s thesis in mid-April — shut up about it! You try writing 10...
Travel Log, November 14, 2011
I departed Cubicle Island at approximately a quarter past the evening’s fifth hour. Arriving at headquarters, I donned my adventure clothes: dry fit short slacks, a cloak threaded from the clothes of an American Eagle, and footwear custom made by the artisan Vibram, custom fitted for each of my toes. My mission was dangerous: reconnaissance of the Falls Bridge, 7 miles due west. I boarded...
Statement of Purpose
Ever since I first stepped foot into Ms. Murray’s classroom in 1st grade, I was certain that my future lie in the academic world, and it is with excitement that I submit my application to the PhD Program in Communication Studies at the University of Philadelphia. When I was a grammar school student, abject terror of punishment and eternal hell led me to rote memorization of any fact I could get...
Five Year Goals
Run down Kelly Drive with a dog and/or stroller. Make a budget. Learn to play the ukulele. Figure out which ones are anxiety attacks and which ones are heart attacks. Accept mediocrity. Watch The Wire. Get tweeted at by someone more famous than @eddiepepitone. Figure out what a 401(k) is. Read all 3 Stig Larson (sp?) books. Talk to my grandmother on the phone. Complete deconstruction of...
Said to Louie
“You’ve given up, it makes you grounded.”
Filled your glass with gin/Filled your heart with... →
Video of Beirut’s new jam, Port of Call.
It's my birthday
Turning 25 is just about the most depressing thing ever.