CP Lannan

Over the holidays, I found the strength to climb to the upper levels of my credit card limit and finally head to Europe, namely, Barcelona and Paris.  These are some assorted thoughts. 

Previous Attempts to go to Europe

·         Fall 2005 Study Abroad Info Session:

o   You’re too young to study abroad, you have like 5 more semesters to give it a go!

·         Fall 2006 Study Abroad Info Session:

o   Yikes, that’s a lot of money…what a convenient excuse!

·         Fall 2007 Study Abroad Info Session:

o   You’re too coward to study abroad and you always have been, stop coming to these meetings.

·         Fall 2008 Study abroad Info Session

o   “Sorry sir, Study Abroad is not available to recent graduates.”

Travel Learnings

·         Traveling on Christmas, now that’s the move!  I avoided at least five family holiday-based mini panic attacks by only doing Christmas Eve.

o   I replaced these mini panic attacks with one giant panic attack:

§  Hurry up, we’ll be late!

§  Get in line, get the fuck in line!

§  Why are you punching me in the chest? You’re not?

§  Which seat if F?  Which seat is fucking F?!?

§  YOU MEAN WE’RE PUTTING 400 PEOPLE ON A MACHINE AND THEN FLYING OVER AN OCEAN AT NIGHT TIME!

·         Airplane food.  Let’s just say Seinfeld was right.

o   That’s as bad as a Seinfeld joke, or no?

·         By hour 7 of an 8 hour flight, everyone’s just farting openly.

o   …right guys?

Barcelona & Paris Learnings

·         The day-time high in Barcelona was like 65 degrees in late December.  And yet, all the locals were wearing parkas! 

o   Leave your science at the door, I don’t care if cold is relative.

·         Barcelona (and all of Catalonia) wants out from under the control of the Spanish government.  Think Texas, but legitimate.  It was moving to see Catalonians from all ages and walks of life wear their want for independence on their face and in their core. 

o   But don’t’ get mad at the Americans for calling it Spain!  I’m sorry!  I come from a country where people don’t realize that there are different nations within Africa! 

·         Pickpockets everywhere!

o   I admire the Europeans specialize in a crime that required subterfuge, subtlety, and cunning. 

§  But still, fuck you!  If you want my money, approach me on Spring Garden Street yell “Now it’s time to play, bitch!” pull a knife and take my money like a god damned man.

§  I am happy to report that I yelled “GET AWAY FROM ME!” to a homeless man before he even had the chance to approach me

§  And even happier report that I made it home without being pickpocketed!  Kiss my ignorant American ass you sneaky fuckers!  I live in a city way more fucked up than yours!

·         There are three primary sects of English-speaking travelers: Australians, Brits, and Americans.  All three are looked down upon by the Spaniards, the French, the Italians, etc. 

o   As a last desperate attempt to maintain their international credibility, the Australians and British team up to straight crush any Americans they encounter

o   In front of the Notre Dame Cathedral, a British man told me to “get lost buddy…you must not understand how this works, American.” 

o   The first time I’ve ever experienced prejudice in my entire life!  I’m a white, middle-class, corporate cog!  It’s impossible to prejudice against me!  I’m the worst!  I’m so vanilla no one has even thought to show prejudice towards me!

§  Granted, I cut in line in front of him and his wife after they’d been waiting for 45 minutes.  But that’s because I was temporarily being a dick, not because my ancestors bravely crossed the Baltic and Atlantic back in the day!

·         On New Year’s Eve, I opened champagne for the first time in my life

o   I was never a whiz at geometry

o   I had the bottle angled 45 degrees, upwards and outwards

o   Luckily nothing happened, except I cracked the shit out of some French woman with the cork

o   The French term for “I’m sorry” is “Je suis desolee”

§  Which is about the ugliest sound an American pretending to speak French can make

o   I did not get the chance to see if the angry French boyfriend of the struck woman buoyed the “wussy French” stereotype coined by George W. Bush

§  Because I ran like a coward

Universal Truth

People are selfish ass-holes everywhere, and the young spoiled/emo/self-hating American’s view of Europe as this magical place full of cultured demi-gods is a crock of shit. 

Sure, you’re less likely to see a fat piece of shit in a Dodge Ram with a “Kill ‘em all let God sort ‘em out” bumper sticker, but everyone’s still self-centered, egotistical, and slightly to very racist.  Rich people still carry briefcases and shout into their blue tooth, teenagers still gather in packs and terrify a whole block of tourists, and house music still terrifies and confuses me.  There’s no Applebee’s but there’s the equivalent, selling worse food for more money.  There’s little chance you will see two homeless people yelling at each other across the street about past injustices…actually, there’s totally a chance, because homelessness is, unfortunately, everywhere.  And over there they all had dogs!  Buddy, you live underneath the awning of Monoprix grocery store, maybe you shouldn’t have a Bichon Frise. That being said, I was in a room that was built like 2800 years ago and is nicer than my apartment, so that’s a win for Europe.   

Hey man, you’re kind of being a dick.  I realize you’re laying on that part of the sidewalk because the grates give off steam and it’s the only heat you’ll feel for at least 100 days.  But, dude, it’s fucking 60 degrees out!  You really need to be reclined as if 16^th street is your own personal chaise? 

I’m on my way to the bank and you have the nerve to ask me for a dollar as if you were some Nubian prince asking for additional grapes?  A dollar?  I’ll have you know that I just spent 500 dollars to register a recreational volleyball team with a tremendously witty name and need to cash some checks to pay off my credit card.

Yeah, I put them on credit, but don’t worry, douche, it’s no interest until July 2013.  Yeah, ZERO INTEREST, just like I have zero interest in your terrible socioeconomic plight.

And another thing, you’re out here looking for compassion? – it’s noon on a Monday!  Compassion during the business week is feeling bad for Joan because her kid’s football team lost in the playoffs.  And mercy, fuck man, I already showed my mercy today - Grant jammed the copier again and I helped him fix it.  You want me to care that you have no money, no food, and have been abandoned by all your loved ones?  You want me to shed a tear because this nation spends 600 billion dollars on missiles and lets its own people rot to death in city streets?  Talk to me on Christmas eve, asshole.

Can’t you just get a job?  Oh.

Can’t you just go to get food from a charity or some shit?  Fuck, really?

Well, at least you probably won’t be murdered, right?  THREE HUNDRED AND SIX?

• One time I was in Times Square to go to the M&M store, and there were a bunch of people swooning because Hugh Jackman was getting into a car.  Obviously, I wanted all of these people to die for thinking that getting a wave from HuJa was some sort of validation or noteworth event.  And then, a semi-popular comedian favorited one of my tweets to him and I IMMEDIATELY TOLD LIKE 40 PEOPLE!  Can there be anything less validating?  He only had to click a star…it was probably an accident.
• For weeks, I compulsively checked the availability of the Google Nexus 4, desperate for it to come back in-stock.  And then, yesterday, it did!  I immediately put one on the Slate card because I’m totally chill with putting 400 clams on credit to “check out” Android.  Unlike the first release of the phone, it did not sell out “in seconds.”  Now, I compulsively check the availability, desperate for it to be out of stock so I can feel smug.  Today, I decided to “put aside” a long-form article about governmental corruption here in Philadelphia in order to check if something I already purchased was out of stock yet.  Fuck!
• I learned this exists.My god.
• Yesterday, I put on the ol’ torrent gloves after not stealing any intellectual material in a while. Meanwhile, I continue to half-ass an attempt at eventually monetizing my own creativity on the web.
• I finally listened to one of said stolen records (jk Eric Holder, I bought it at FYE), the St. Vincent & David Byrne album.I wasn’t sure if I liked it because there are a bunch of horns and I don’t really know what David Byrne is and I only like maybe 5 bands.So, I turned to Metacritic for guidance only to find mixed reviews!Someone tell me if I’m supposed to like this!
• This morning, I tweeted to Senator Bob Casey, imploring him to vote no on the NDAA act for 2013.I then immediately began following Accor Hotels hoping for some awesome deals at Sofitel. 10% off a room, how can I lose?!

Int. Apartment

Present, 11 pm

Brain: Don’t do it, Cory.  Seriously.  Don’t do it.

Ext. the Shadow of the Walt Whitman Bridge

Flashback, 2 pm

Friendly Motorist:You need some help?

Brain:  Really subtle, Cory.  A white guy wearing powder blue pants looking at an iPhone in a Volkswagen next to an abandoned warehouse in Camden.  That’s your move?

Cory:Uhmmmm…

FM:You tryin’ to get back on the bridge?

Cory:Yeah, but I…I need to find a bank first.

Brain: Maybe he’ll follow you!

FM:Go down to that light, take a left, go ‘bout six blocks and there’s a TD.

Cory:(sincerely) Thank you so much!

Brain:  Alright, situation improved.  Now we’ll be deeper into Camden, and with cash!

Int. Apartment

Present

Brain:  I’m fucking serious, don’t even do it.  If you do it, you’re even more pathetic than I thought you were.  You think it’s going to make you feel less lonely, doing that?  You think it’s going to reduce the boredom?  You fucking idiot.  You fucking child.

Ext. Golf Course

Flashback, 3pm

Brain: I cannot believe we are wearing these pants.

Cory:Hi, 18 with a cart for one.

Golf Pro:(eating hot dog) Ooo, not looking good.  We are all backed up today with a tournament.  I don’t think we can get you out.

Brain: Did your eye just get hit with hot dog shrapnel?

Cory:You can’t squeeze in one?  I can start on 10.

GP:I’d let you if I could…

Cory: (whimpering?) But, this is the only think I have to do today…

Brain: This is our just reward for escaping Camden unscathed!

GP:  You want to hit balls at the range?

Brain: No!

Cory:Ok…

Int. Apartment

Present

Brain:  Hey man, I know I’ve been giving you a rough time for the past 26 years, but seriously, please don’t do this.  I know back in the day it was fun, and you had good times with friends and all.  You were young and stupid; you aren’t young and stupid anymore, man.  All those emotions and expectations it gave you – it was all fake!  I swear to God, it was fake man, it was all fake.  Seriously, Cor, this is a long & dangerous road. 

Ext. Restaurant

Flashback, 9pm

Cory:  Pick-up Order #79.

Hispanic Teenager:  (to kitchen) NUMBER SEVENTY NINE!  SEVENTY NINE!

Brain:  Alright, keeping it classy.  Chicken parmesan for one, please!

Hispanic Teenager:  Eleven eighty three, please.

Cory:  Here you go.

Hispanic Teenager:  You need a fork, right?

Brain:Oof!  You’re ordering chicken parm at nine pm on a Saturday…you probably don’t own a fork!

Cory:  No, thanks though.

Int. Apartment

Present

Brain:  Seriously, I know it was a rough day, but you don’t need this.  Please, for me.  Don’t do it…no, no, no!!!

Jim Ross:  Ladies and gentlemen, I’m Jim Ross, and welcome to our presentation of the history of the World Wrestling Federation Championship, hour one of nine…

Brain: You fuck.

Remember the Fukushima Nuclear Reactor situation – when the Japanese totally fucked up their nuclear business and coal barons everywhere smiled in their top-hats?  Well, all that radioactive air and water didn’t just circle around Japan like a buzzard over that person you killed with your car, it traversed the Pacific!  And what’s across the Pacific? America! 

Thankfully, I learned that seaweed is a natural combatant of high-radiation levels.  Thinking quick on my feet, I ran to the Whole Foods, where I was promptly laughed out for being days behind the seaweed rush.  I feigned interest in Acai Berry Iron Ore supplements and soap made out of lavender and human hair before sullenly leaving.  As if divinely intervened upon by the god of retail, I noticed a GNC.  And there, bam – Maximum Greens!  It contains like 4500% of my DV of iodine and other sea weeds.

I raced home to cure myself of the Japanese’s poison and promptly remembered to take Maximum Greens for about two days before letting it ride with the radiation. 

 Deposit Slip for a Moog

My friend has a pretty sweet band, and I love striving to be an artist despite showing outrageously low levels of ambition or talent.  Seeing an opportunity, I decided to phony my way into becoming the synth player for the band.  What’s that? No, of course I had never played synth before.  I was raised in a house with a piano, however, and it served as a great inspiration to me – I powerbombed my cousin off of it once.  My gawd.

In the 10 days that I devoted my life to the ivories, I got pretty far.  I learned some notes from a music teacher AND managed to put a Ulysses down on a Moog synthesizer.  If Sam Ash the store is as honest as I imagine Sam Ash the man to have been, then it’s still collecting dust in King of Prussia (just like all those housing developments, am I right?!).  .

And in the future, when you’re 10 Miller 64s deep and decide to give it a go on one of those bar computer trivia challenges, I am the answer to the question: “Who is the long lost 4^th member of Grip of the Gods?”

Package of Thank You Cards

I was once overcome with an idea to send Thank You Cards to all of the people who deserve my gratitude.   Conveniently, this independent initiative to provide cardboard gratitude to friends and family occurred while I was in a Hallmark. 

The package purchased contained only 10 cards, which has lead me to become extremely conservative in deciding who deserves my thanks.  Birthdays and Jesus Birthdays are too obvious choices for Thank You cards.  I’m occasionally surprised by a random gift or note, but am regularly too lazy and inconsiderate to even remember I have a package of Thank Yous. 

So, it is with this that I announce the first CP Lannan contest – anyone who does something deserving of the gratitude of this blog shall receive a Thank You card hand-signed by me.  Thus far, the response has been overwhelmingly minimal.  Options include:  Liking the blog, telling others to like the blog, and continuing to inflate my artistic dreams the afternoon per week I remember I maintain this thing. 

Acts deserving gratitude can be directed to my Facebook, Tumblr, or Twitter page. 

I’ll leave it up to you to determine if this contest is real or not.  

The Women’s Yelling at your Children on the Phone competition is one of the highlights of these games.  Mothers from all over the 3rd floor lay it all on the line as they scold and ream out their children for a variety of deficiencies.  This event is so compelling, so riveting, that even the childless can’t hold back amazement as a Mother rips into her son for cleaning the toilet with the dog’s favorite pair of play socks.  Here’s the results:

Bronze Medal: Hester Adamson, United Kingdom

Adamson’s performance really relied on the novelty of her British accent echoing through the halls of a Philadelphia office.  The judges were very impressed by her use of Unionion Jacknacular, such as “belt up” and a rare treble daft.” 

Silver Medal: Joan Ferris, Northeast Philadelphia

The charmingly out-of-place Adamson could not fend off the grizzled veteran, who has been yelling at children for the past 6 Office Olympiads.  Ferris’s performance was notable for a consistent use of curse words, yet a poised refrain of using “shit” or “fuck” in the office.  Highlights of her performance included an unprecedented “you ain’ goin’ to see yah lidduhl guhlfrien’ until ya done the dishes” and an absolutely stuck landing of “Go Philz.”

Gold Medal: Erin Akin, Virginia, near DC

Who could stop the Ak-Train!?  Although she lives and trains in Philadelphia, this all-star mom honed her craft on the safest and most picturesque streets of the Northern Virginia suburbs, a hot bed for child yellers.  And boy did it show in this gold medal performance.  Akin did a double-chair rotation while annoyingly reminding her daughter where the almond butter was.  She followed that skill up by reciting a memorized list of food allergies to a General Practitioner and SIMULTANEOUSLY  chewed out her Hungarian Au Pair for forgetting to put chlorine in the hot-tub!  Then, the audience held their breath for this dismount: a controlled, psychologically vicious reminder to her teen-aged son that he probably wouldn’t make first-chair for trombone, and he may as well “consider percussion.”  THIS is why we watch these games.

• Alfred is Bane
• You don’t go skiing in Winter 2012-2013 despite that real good deal you got on skis in May
• Germany has been playing opossum this whole time - they will turn heel again
• You will be denied consolidation on your student loans, continue to pay $1400 per month, and will never own a home
• The Olympics will be tremendously masturbatory
• Your kid will think you look as absurd with that mustache just like you did when you saw your father’s mustache in a 20 year old picture
• There will never be another Lost
• Drones will continue to monitor you so if you ever get the fucking stones to actually stand up to these fuckers your phone will be tapped and you’ll be arrested for sedition
• Your [insert artistic/creative/business pursuit here] will fail
• You die

Hi everyone, my name is Cory, and this is my first time in this support group.

Hi Cory.  What brings you here?

Well, I had a really bad day today. 

Tell us about it.  We’re here to help you.

First, let me preface this by saying I was wearing boat shoes.

Oof.  Well, we all wear boat shoes…straight men can’t wear sandals at work because decades of men were too proud to have comfortable footwear.

Right.  Well, I left work for my lunch walk in boat shoes.  And it’s about 114 degrees out. ..shit, hold on, I have another preface:  I was listening to Sufjan Stevens.

Not everyone can play banjo with their toes and wear angel wings…plus, he’s  pretty catchy .

Yeah, that’s true.  So, anyway, I am walking around and I see a homeless person’s bed set up.  Blankets, some bags, even decorations right in the middle of the city.

Ah, yes…

And it made me feel really shitty, because a human being is sleeping on the street in 2012.  In the United States.  2 blocks away from a restaurant where fried squid rings cost 17 dollars.

Being concerned about the homeless is noble, Cory.

Yes.  And I had this swelling in my heart; I really wanted to do something for this homeless person….SO I TOOK A PICTURE OF HIS BED AND PUT IT ON INSTAGRAM.

Spreading awareness.

Spare me, it’s spineless slacktivism…all of us who do fake good are worse than people who don’t give a shit at all. 

I disagree.

Anyway, so that happens.  And then I turn around and I see a grown man in a YOLO shirt. 

Well, we do only live once, Cory.

Jesus.  I’m beginning to regret coming here.

It’s true.  Haven’t you ever seen “Dead Poets Society?”

Shut up!  So then, I keep walking, turn the other corner, and I’m passing the immigration office…and people are actually excited to have become citizens here.  It’s not 1909!…you’re taking a picture 1 block away from a guy who sleeps under the awning of a dry cleaners!  You’re a foot away from a guy who writes a terrible blog post once every two weeks with the same exact jokes in it!

Cory, calm down.  Look at this…

What?!…holy shit, my new golf clubs that I bought on a credit card with 24% interest have been picked up in Rockford, Illinois and are in transit?!  See you later, suckers…and fuck the homeless…I’m paying $55 to play golf!

Happy Father’s Day, Harry Kalas!  I really can’t put into words how much you meant to me, HK.  Your warm voice and wise perspective made me realize that mediocrity and losing was the norm for the better part of my youth.  You taught me that as long as I sing “High Hopes” at parties, it’s ok to be an alcoholic womanizer who turns his back on his family!

Happy Father’s Day, Elmo, the weird guy who lived by the sledding hill!  When I fractured my ankle trying to slide down the hill on my knees, you rescued me, putting me on my bike and telling me to pedal home despite insane swelling.  That was some very courageous surrogate fathering!  Even nicer, you did not force me to participate in the child pornography ring that you were later arrested and convicted for organizing!

Happy Father’s Day, Atticus Finch!  You taught me it was good and righteous to stand up for the rights of all people, regardless of race.  Unfortunately, because your movie wasn’t in color, it took me a few more years to realize that black people were actually black…that certainly wasn’t your fault though!

Happy Father’s Day, “Basketball Bill!”  You’re a childless undercover policeman who spent his days playing basketball at the playground with the local children, providing candy, snacks, hydration, and rides home.  You stood in defiance of Elmo, proving that not all generous and kind-hearted souls have evil intentions.  You are a relic, a true inspiration to dozens, and the last vestige of a different time.  Good for you, you creepy fuck!

Happy Father’s Day, All my friends’ dads!  You always took me under your wing with sagely advice on throwing baseballs and discreetly smoking.  You brought me into your homes, provided meals and Ataris.  You enabled friendships with your sons and daughters, who can all go fuck themselves for having a dad.

How do you get to Pittsburgh?

I’ve never actually been to Pittsburgh, but even the mere thought of being directed there is irksome.

5% cash back…on everything!?

Woohoo!  5% cash back on all purchases in your first 6 months – with a 20% interest rate on a balance you will not be paying back anytime soon, you fucking mathless moron! 

Can there be two “R’s” on a single line of a RACI model?

Why yes, there can be two R’s on a RACI module, but there can only be one A. 

So, for the shame I’m feeling about knowing this: I’d be the Responsible and Accountable stakeholder.  And you can consider yourself Consulted and Informed. 

Are you a Democrat or a Republican?

It matters about as much as being left or right handed…we’re all just jerking ourselves off while slowly dying.